Dear Lala,
So I am really hurt, and I don’t know what to do!
I went through a traumatic breakup last year, and it left me almost homeless. To give context, I truly lost myself in the relationship. I gave up my apartment and job to preserve the relationship by being what he wanted me to be. In the end, I was blindsided when he abruptly ended things and asked me to leave.
That relationship was incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive, and I am glad to be free. I have worked hard and have gotten back on my feet, of which I am very proud.
During that relationship, I leaned on a good girlfriend for emotional support, and she encouraged me to leave. She even helped me move out of the house when he abruptly ended things. I was devastated and blindsided.
The reason I am upset now is that I just found out that my good girlfriend, who knew all about that relationship and how my ex mistreated me, is pursuing a friendship with him!!! I feel like this is a friendship betrayal. I know she can be friends with whoever she wants, but I still feel hurt and betrayed. How can she know he has mistreated me but still wants to be his friend?
Help, please.
Calling Foul on Girl Code
Dear Calling Foul on Girl Code,
First, I want to acknowledge your experience and note that you should be proud of yourself for healing after a bad relationship. If any of our readers need help, please visit the Women’s Helpline in your area for free, confidential support.
It sounds like “girl code” might not be a unanimous concept. Perhaps your friend has a different definition than you, and doesn’t understand how this could be a friendship betrayal. Wouldn’t it be great if you could carte blanche trust that your girlfriends will always have your back? Maybe you can give some thought to what a good friendship looks like to you. Try to write it down to make it material and tangible. You may have core values that aren’t shared with some of your friends. If you have non-negotiables, it is worthwhile to explore what they are so that, going forward, you can check in with yourself when building relationships to see if they are aligned.
The fact that you feel hurt and betrayed by your friend tells me that you perceive the world in a black-and-white way when human intentions are often grey in most cases. That is not to invalidate your feelings, but rather, you should ask yourself what it is about your friend’s burgeoning relationship that is a betrayal. Do you feel that her choice minimizes your experience? Do you feel like your vulnerability wasn’t honored? Your feelings are absolutely valid, but you need to explore why you feel this way.
Keep in mind her actions say nothing about you and everything about her.
This means that whatever she does is in line with her identity and her needs and has nothing to do with how she feels about you. Inherently, people are hard-wired to take the shortest path to the highest reward. This is called heuristics, which is an evolutionary mental shortcut. This is useful so that we don’t agonize over every move we make daily, which would be inefficient. However, this self-interested mental shortcut leads to cognitive bias. People will take the path of least resistance and highest personal reward. Most people, your friend included, do not want to make waves or be uncomfortable so they usually will overlook a higher-minded value to save face or be liked. In this case, your friend wants to maintain her social network, so she isn’t prioritizing your experience or feelings. In fairness, we all do this in small and big ways in our lives.
We do what serves us best moment to moment and do not consider the ramifications for others. This, again, is part of our hard wiring that served us for evolutionary survival.
Back to the non-negotiables, if you have core values such as feminism or zero tolerance for abuse, then you should put that near the top of your “what makes a good friend list”. Granted, you won’t see eye to eye about everything with another person, but maybe it is important to identify things you are not flexible on. And if you find a friend that checks most of your list, foster that relationship and move on from others where your core values don’t align.
