Women are leaving their long-term relationships, but the real question is why?
Life at 50 is very different for women than it was just a generation ago. Our foremothers were usually winding down their lives after raising children and cruising into their Florida years. They had extra time and extra money to finally relax and enjoy their golden years. There was not much expectation placed upon a 50-year-old woman and society allowed women to enter their glorious crone years without expectation. You could wind down your career, your mortgage was paid off, your children were grown, and you could cut your hair short, wear comfortable pants, and get on with the years you had left with your spouse. Having a sexless marriage was all but expected and we all have seen those older couples out for dinner who no longer let pesky conversation and pleasantries ruin their meal. I used to think it was sad but now I see it as maybe some sort of deserved peace that was earned after adulting hard for decades. Those silent dinners are well-earned.
Today 50 is the new 30 they say! Who are “they” by the way? I am guessing it is a marketing ploy to keep women chasing those youthful clothes, beauty, and diet products… but who am I to say? Women are not growing old gracefully nor are their long-term relationships. After 20 years, children, mortgages, and careers, women are questioning what it is all about.
No one survives a long-term relationship unscathed. You can guarantee there have been dalliances, money troubles, baby brain, family and trauma issues, sexual issues, and many a conflict over those years. But isn’t that how it has always been? Why are so many women choosing to leave their relationships now before they settle into that glorious silent dinner bliss of yore? Our mothers and grandmothers traveled the same life landscape and their relationships survived. Or did they? (Photos: SlLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)
Yes, generation after generation women partner and rear children, tirelessly and thanklessly but perhaps there are greater expectations and obstacles for modern women. Today most middle-aged women are not finished raising their kids, and many are just in the first decade of parenting because people wait longer to start their families. Navigating the stress of co-parenting with your partner and the doldrums and expense of kids lasts much longer than it used to. Ostensibly, most women do not have their mortgage paid off at this age and many are in debt and looking at working well past 65 for financial survival. So, that sweet early bird special and shuffleboard lifestyle is drifting farther out of reach, which means the daily stresses of the rat race persist longer in people’s lives and their relationships. (Photos: SJLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)
Each week we hear another story of women deciding to walk away from their long-term relationship. Sometimes it is through the painful and confusing prolongment of swinging, polyamory, or throuples that is frequently the first crack in the façade of conscious uncoupling (thanks Gwyneth). Women are having affairs that are sometimes all out of second relationships, not just a fling or a roll in the hay. What happens on vacation stays on vacation, am I right ladies? Women are straight up asking for a divorce or separation from their partner despite the obvious turmoil that will ensue for their families. Women are breaking up with and then re-dating their partners which seems like a misguided effort to add some spice or maybe it is just second-guessing one’s instinct to leave. Either way, women are leaving, women are instigating the dissolution of their long-term relationships and women are upending their lives at an age when previous generations were cruising into their sunset years.
Let’s look at the key reasons women leave to shed some light on this trend.
- The children are grown or independent enough that my partner and I do not have any reason to be together anymore. We are in more of a business arrangement than a love story at this point.
- My partner has strayed in the past and I accepted It at the time because we were knee-deep in life and I just wanted to have a solid home for my kids. The bitterness and resentment over the affair have never left the marriage and now that the kids are older, so am I.
- I could not afford to leave before and now that I have my career on track and can take care of myself, I do not want to settle for less than the fairytale. I want to “want” to be with someone, not “have” to be with someone.
- I did not lose the love per se, but we both lost interest. Between the kids and all their activities, our busy careers, our weekends filled up with hobbies and outings we just have not prioritized our relationship for years and we let the flame blow out. I love him but I am not in love with him.
- I am just not attracted to him anymore. He is a nice guy and a good father, but he just isn’t hot to me anymore. I keep seeing all these articles and people talking about their great sex life after 40 and I feel like I am missing out. I want hot sex and passion in my life and my partner is just too vanilla for me.
- We are stuck in a toxic and codependent relationship, and I cannot breathe anymore. I do not know how to break the cycle and every time we approach therapy, one of us will find a reason to not put the work into our relationship.
- I am bored. I am looking down the barrel of another 15-20 years of working and routine and I cannot imagine being stuck in this loop with my partner. Same couch, same bed, same commute, same routines, same-sex, same conversations. It seems like there is a whole world going on out there and I am missing it all.
All of these reasons are valid, common, and resonant for so many of us. Is it possible to couples therapy your way forward towards a happier union or does FOMO outweigh the long, hard work required to find peace with a long-term partner?
Women are leaving and we will continue to explore why.
