Dear Lala: Setting Boundaries with a Boy-Crazy BFF | Wanting Off The Boy-coaster

Dear Lala,

My BFF is amazing, and I love her. She is my ride or die and we have been friends for over 15 years. We have been besties since middle school, we have done everything together. Our first sleepover, school dance, and day of university, you name it. I say all of this because I love her so much, but she is a boy crazy trainwreck and it’s wearing me out!!! Her entire life seems to revolve around getting a boyfriend, swooning about a boyfriend, losing a boyfriend, mourning a boyfriend, then boyfriend obsessed again in a seemingly never-ending cycle. If she is in a relationship then she is a ghost, if her relationship gets rocky, then I am her therapist, if the relationship breaks up then she is a trainwreck needing so much consoling that I feel overwhelmed. I am not sure what to do because she means so much to me, but I am starting to feel like I am on a boy-coaster with her. I am starting to resent it all. Help!!!

Best,

Wanting Off The Boy-coaster

Dear Wanting Off The Boy-coaster,

It is so wonderful to have a great girlfriend. Sometimes a strong female bond can be one of the most vital in your life. Girlfriends are there for you during life’s ups and downs, and like you suggest, men come and go but your friendship is always there. What I am sensing here is that you and your friend are in an enmeshment more than a balanced healthy relationship. You can think of it like you are a two-headed monster so to speak.

Signs that you are in an enmeshment:

You cannot experience emotions independently, meaning there is no definition between your emotions and problems and someone else’s. If your friend is upset, you take on their emotions or cannot create a boundary. Your friends problems become your problems. -you may be relying on each other for your sense of self, instead of having a strong sense of self distinct from how others see you. You may be relying on each other for validation.

It sounds like your bestie may be prone to this type of enmeshment bonding based on your description of how she manages her intimate relationships. She seems to live or die based on how she is validated by those close to her, and you are one of those people in her life too. I am sure, at times, it feels great to be wanted and to be her confidant, but you need to work towards differentiating yourself from her.

This starts by acknowledging that her problems are not your problems. It is her responsibility to manage her emotions, not yours. Maybe this looks like something simple, such as setting a time limit for how long she can talk about her boyfriend’s issues in any one conversation. Let her know, ok she has 10 minutes to get it off her chest, and then you need to change the topic and discuss something that is important to you. Perhaps you practise self boundaries, when she is in her “trainwreck” stage you take a breather or let her know that you are her friend, and she might need professional support that you cannot provide. You do not have to take every call or text. It takes two to tango, and if you do not engage in the enmeshment, neither can she. If your goal is to enjoy your friendship more then you must start by recognizing your own contribution to this negative pattern. See it, forgive yourself, and start building new patterns of interaction. Now that is being a ride or die friend!