DEAR LALA
I am having an issue with my partner and I do not know what to do?! My partner is too clingy. There are times when he wants to do something that might not include me or I might just not be interested in and I tell him it’s OK to go by himself or with other people. But he never goes it unless I join him! When he doesn’t go, he just sits around and complains about not being able to do anything. He only wants to do what I am doing. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings that we should be doing some activities on our own?
Sincerely,
“Needing some space” Sheila
(Photos: SlLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)
Dear “Needing some space” Sheila,
Thank you for your question. This is a relatively common issue in relationships, and many readers will relate to this. How do you maintain your own space and autonomy while still sharing your life together? To this, I will ask you, what can you actually “share” with each other if you both don’t have unique experiences on your own to share? A relationship is just that, relating to each other, which means you each need to draw from the outside world ideas and experiences to relate to. I am sure that at the beginning of your relationship, you had very few shared experiences, and that was the exciting part. Learning about each other and sharing your previous experiences in life, the getting to know each other phase without catching the clingy vibes.
But things grow stale when you stop having new experiences to share with each other. Having space and unique experiences is essential to a happy, healthy relationship.
Your partner has mistaken clinginess for love and is obviously afraid that giving you space and growing as an individual will potentially mean losing you. The irony is that being clingy and whiney behavior may be what drives you apart.
I would recommend that you speak to him in clear, direct terms with lots of affirmations and validations so that he doesn’t feel rejected that you may want to enjoy some activities on your own and that you want him to do the same. For example, you could say ” I love that you want to spend time with me and I love the time we spend together. However, I would like to do this activity on my own. I cannot wait to share what I experienced with you.” Or ” You seem passionate about this activity that I am not really interested in and I really do not want you to miss it. Please go, and then we can meet up later to chat all about it.” Or, “Why don’t you go to this activity tonight because it is at the same time as this other activity that I want to do and then we can meet up afterward.”
Make it a win-win and use reassuring language that this will improve your relationship. Make it clear that being apart helps to increase your togetherness. (Top tip: Don’t mention clingy in any context).
