How Mel Robbins Explains the 3 Pillars of Adult Friendships

How to Make Friends as an Adult: The Three Pillars of Adult Friendship

Making friends as an adult can feel daunting, especially when life is filled with responsibilities, routines, and shifting priorities. Unlike childhood or college, where friendships often form organically through shared environments, adult friendships require more intentionality. Throughout our lives, we will have different friendships based on several factors that are relative to friendship. Perhaps you have your besties from grade school but lose touch in adulthood. You likely had your college or young adult pals that you experienced a lot of firsts with; first apartments, first serious relationships, first hangovers, first trips, and so on. But maybe when you move to a new city for your dream job, those who once seemed so close feel like they are pulling away or that you aren’t connecting anymore. This can feel confusing or even like a betrayal or loss, but objectively this is the natural course for friendships. First, you need to understand what makes a friendship happen to provide some insight into why they are seemingly transient in your life.

According to Mel Robbins, three essential pillars—proximity, timing, and energy—determine the likelihood of forming meaningful connections.

Understanding and leveraging these factors can make the process of making new friends feel more natural and fulfilling. Instead of feeling lonely that you have aged out of a group of friends or that you just aren’t clicking with your pals from junior high anymore, let’s explore how friendships are formed.

Proximity: Creating Opportunities for Connection

The first pillar, proximity, highlights the importance of physical or virtual closeness.

Relationships tend to flourish when people share a space, whether it’s an office, a neighborhood, or a regular social setting. As adults, we may not naturally encounter new people as frequently as we did in school, so we have to create proximity intentionally. This might mean joining a local gym, attending community events, or participating in interest-based groups like book clubs or hobby meetups. Even digital proximity—such as engaging in online communities—can lay the foundation for friendships.

By consistently showing up in the same spaces, we increase the chances of building connections organically. Research has shown that you need to spend 50 or more hours with someone to consider them a casual friend and 200 or more hours with someone to consider them a close friend. This means that the amount of time really determines how close you perceive a friendship to be.

So don’t be upset when you move to a new town and you are no longer invited to the neighborhood barbeque, because your proximity has changed how you are relating and connecting with your old friends. Or maybe your coworker was your bestie but when you no longer work together the friendship fades. That makes perfect sense when you consider that proximity is a pillar of what makes a friendship.

So unless, you continue to put in face time, pick up the phone or plan visits, the nature of your friendship will naturally shift. It can be disappointing to accept that you won’t have the same friends when you move away from them, but do not take it personally, it is simply a pillar of what makes a friendship. My childhood best friend and I were not only neighbors but classmates and we played together virtually 7 days a week for 3 years. Both of our families moved towns due to circumstances and my bestie and I made efforts to visit and have sleepovers for a year or two. This was someone I was inseparable from, and yet, time and distance ended our friendship.

According to Mel Robbins, three essential pillars—proximity, timing, and energy—determine the likelihood of forming meaningful connections.

Timing: Aligning Life Stages and Availability

Timing plays a crucial role in friendship formation.

In some seasons of life, we may be more open to new connections, while at other times, our bandwidth is limited due to work, family, or personal growth. Friendships develop more easily when both individuals are at a stage where they have the time and emotional availability to invest in a relationship. Many people find that friendships come easily in childhood, almost taking them for granted. That is because you were corralled in a group of children the same age as you, in the same neighborhoods, classes, sports, and activities so you naturally were in the same stage of life. It may have been common for every birthday to be a huge group of all your classmates. You had a built-in friendship group that just doesn’t exist in adult friendship.

In fact, typically adult friendship is not a group activity at all. Adult friendships become more about finding those individuals you connect with specific to your interests and needs at the time.

Throughout adult life, your friendships are very relative to the stage of life you are in. For example, new parents often bond with other parents going through the same experiences, and career-driven individuals may find friendships with those navigating similar professional challenges. You may have found you easily slipped into a group in your neighborhood when your kids were young, it makes sense. You were connected to other parents in the neighborhood and your kids were bonded through play groups, little league teams, birthday parties, and the local playground.

However, as your kids get older you may have found those friendship groups of parents also faded away. If your group of college friends are still partying a lot and drinking every weekend but you have begun to focus on your career, relationship, or children, then you likely are not sharing the same timing in life as you once did with your college friends. If you’re looking to make new friends, consider seeking out people who are in a similar life stage or who have recently moved to your area and may also be seeking companionship or have similar interests.

Energy: The Chemistry of Connection

The third pillar, energy, refers to the emotional and social chemistry between two people.

Some connections feel effortless and uplifting, while others may require more effort to sustain. Adult friendships can thrive when both parties bring compatible energy to the relationship—whether that’s shared enthusiasm for certain activities, a mutual sense of humor, or similar communication styles. If a friendship feels draining or one-sided, it may not be the right fit.

As Mel Robbins says, “Let them”.

Let people be what they are and let you be yourself. Don’t be hurt, bored, or angry because you feel disconnected from a friend, just be them and you be you. This way of thinking allows room for authenticity and meeting people who you are on the same frequency as you at this point in your life. If you don’t call them, you realize they will never call you, just let them. For example, you may be exploring self-help and self-growth reading, activities, and wellness pursuits but your old friend is not interested, obviously, then you are not sharing energy and vibes at this time. You likely are boring them with your interests and you are not connecting with their perspective.

Instead of forcing connections, focus on relationships that feel energizing, where conversations flow naturally and time spent together feels rewarding. When you set others free of expectation, you set yourself free too. By recognizing the importance of shared energy in a friendship, you will make room for the right people in your life. Be open, be brave, and be present.

Putting It All Together

To make friends as an adult, it’s helpful to be mindful of these three pillars and how they interact to generate friendship. First, put yourself in places where you can meet people consistently (proximity). Next, be realistic about whether the timing is right for both you and the other person to build a friendship. Ask yourself, if you are in a relative stage in your life to potential new friends.

Finally, pay attention to the energy—seek relationships that feel natural and fulfilling rather than forced. You’ll create more opportunities to build meaningful, lasting friendships by prioritizing these elements.

Friendship isn’t just about finding the right people—it’s also about being intentional and open. Making new friends takes effort, but by focusing on proximity, timing, and energy, the process becomes much more intuitive and rewarding. Friendships are important and we have friends for different seasons of our lives, recognizing this is a normal flow will remove some of the angst when friendships ebb and flow and when making new friends.