Discovering the transformative power of becoming your own best friend and unlocking unconditional self-love within yourself
The Paradox of Independence and Fear
Being by myself used to be one of the things I was scared of the most. Given that I have been independent for almost my entire life, this fear seems ironic. A life founded on craving adventure and new experiences, regardless of whether or not I had someone to do it with, rarely rerouted my course of action. I took self-love for granted, only to find out how unattentive I really was towards it.
As I approach my 40th birthday, 26 years deep into my career as a hairstylist and at the beginning of a transformative coaching diploma, I still struggle with the oscillations of my own mind. What goes up comes down, creating friction in how I experience my world. I still have to brace myself to catch me when I fall—sometimes I am just too tired from standing all day- that’s what I told myself.
Creating Dynamic Life Experiences on Your Own Terms
In my career, hobbies, friendships and intimate relationships, I have created and explored dynamic arrangements that have contained the most vibrant, explosive iterations of what is possible.The connection between my insistence on experiencing life exclusively on my terms and my deepest fear of being alone is inextricably linked. Part of that realization was knowing I needed to become myself first.
Why Self-Love Is More Complex Than It Seems
The Non-Linear Path to Loving Yourself
Loving thyself might seem an obvious place to start, but being the person you love the most, most of the time, is far less linear than that. The spectrum of emotions—happy, sad, and everything in between—is messy. Sidling up to your inner shadows definitely isn’t always at the top of your ‘want to do list’.
My counter to that resistance is this question: What’s the cost of remaining at odds with different shades of your heart?
The Transformative Power of Shadow Work
Making Friends with Your Inner Shadows
Workshopping with your shadows and ultimately making best friends with yourself—in all the ways it unfolds—is what unlocks the potential of your wildest dreams becoming reality. It is also what clears the path to unconditional love: the kind of love we so often (and understandably) seek out in others.
The Ultimate Freedom: Setting Yourself Free
Imagine living a life where you are the one who sets yourself free.
This journey from fearing solitude to embracing self-love isn’t about becoming completely self-sufficient or never needing others. It’s about developing such a strong, loving relationship with yourself that your connections with others come from a place of wholeness rather than need.
Key Takeaways for Your Self-Love Journey:
Embrace being a little lost but not lonely:
There’s something beautiful about being a little lost—the fun is in finding your way through fresh experiences. That first solo adventure is always the biggest leap, but once you’re flying solo, you can move at your own pace without checking in with anyone and truly dipping into the juiciness of enjoying yourself without looking sideways.. It’s pure self-indulgent pleasure that might feel weird at first, but once you taste that freedom, you might never want to go back. You can be fiercely independent and still get spooked by loneliness—owning this contradiction is where real self-love begins. When you start doing things alone, you’ll notice people actually approach you more easily. Turns out, confidence is magnetic. The magic of personal space allows the thinking mind to understand itself, and a comfort that soothes the heart, not to have to think for anyone else. In a word, pure luxury.
Accept the messiness:
Your emotions and self-growth aren’t going to follow some neat little timeline, and that’s perfectly human. The whole “messy girl” trend that’s everywhere right now? It’s basically people rejecting those sterile, fake-perfect Instagram spaces that all look the same. Messiness means you’re busy living life and focusing on what actually matters. If you’re neurodivergent, maybe a body doubling session or a cleanup party with friends helps. Still, ultimately, self-love means accepting yourself, whether your space is pristine or looks like a creative explosion happened.
Befriend your shadows:
The stuff about yourself you’d rather pretend doesn’t exist? That’s where your biggest breakthroughs are hiding. It starts with brutal honesty—like actually taking accountability when someone calls you out instead of getting defensive. Your shadows aren’t evil; they’re just parts of you that haven’t seen enough light yet. When you can look at your messy, complicated sides with acceptance and forgiveness, that’s when real change happens. Self-love includes loving the parts of yourself that aren’t Instagram-ready.
Choose yourself first:
When you become your own favorite person, you create space for way deeper, more real connections with others. It’s like that airplane oxygen mask thing—you’ve got to take care of yourself first so you can actually show up for the people you love. When you’re running on empty, everyone around you feels it too.
Sometimes it helps to get a little playful with this self-love thing—maybe create an alter ego or imagine you’re talking to someone you really care about. That classic trick of treating yourself like you would a close friend or someone you want to nurture? It’s surprisingly powerful for learning how to actually show up for yourself.
Find freedom within:
Real freedom isn’t about changing your circumstances—it’s about changing your relationship with yourself. This kind of self-love takes time and patience, like anything worth having. Every new insight and feeling needs space to actually integrate into who you’re becoming. The goal is finding so much joy in the present moment that you don’t need to look anywhere else for validation. It’s lifelong work that deserves your full attention. Experiment with what feels good, try new things, and when inspiration strikes, the path gets clearer. True self-love is about tuning into what actually nourishes your soul.
Are you ready to begin your own journey toward self-love and inner freedom? The path may not be linear, but every step toward befriending yourself is a step toward the life you truly desire.
