After a traumatic divorce, it’s common to question everything—your relationships, your choices, even your sense of self. When you’ve spent years in therapy trying to save a marriage, only to realize you were the only one fighting, the aftermath can feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. But what if that feeling of everything falling apart isn’t a breakdown at all?

What if it’s the beginning of something transformative? If you’re wondering whether you’re experiencing a mental health crisis or finally advocating for yourself, you’re not alone. This question from a reader captures the messy, confusing middle of healing—and the answer might surprise you.

Healing after a traumatic divorce rarely follows a straight line. Whether you’re in your 30s, 40s, or beyond, the recovery process often involves questioning everything you once believed about love, loyalty, and yourself.

Many women describe this phase as simultaneously the hardest and most transformative period of their lives—a space where breakdown and breakthrough become impossible to distinguish. If you’re here because you’re experiencing something similar, this reader’s question might feel like it was written directly from your own heart.

Dear Lala,

I’ve been wondering lately: Is this a breakdown or a breakthrough? Or is it something else?

I’m left sitting in the wreckage of what I once believed my life was meant to be after a traumatic divorce, which I battled for five long years in therapy to avoid. I gave my all to preserving a marriage in which I was the only one working.

With the help of a fantastic therapist, I eventually had to confront the reality:I was trapped in a one-sided relationship that reflected the patterns of my early years, and my ex was emotionally unavailable and unwilling to change.

My therapy journey marked the start of a larger unraveling. Growing up with a narcissistic mother and an absent father, learning to people-please, fix, and earn love through emotional labor were some of the deeper issues I began to uncover while working on my marriage. And I was unable to ignore those patterns once I became aware of them.

Not only in my marriage, but also in my friendships.

I’ve discreetly distanced myself from a number of long-standing friendships during the past 12 months. Truthfully, I was slightly ashamed to repeat and rehash all the bad, toxic situations I had to go through. However, despite feeling this way, I also started to see how frequently I was the one putting in the most effort, the emotional dumpee, and acting like the unpaid therapist, even though I was the one suffering the traumatic divorce. Furthermore, the responses were anything but encouraging when I eventually attempted to establish boundaries, cutting off repetitive negative stories I’ve heard before or toxic gossip I wasn’t interested in. I began to feel as though I was losing all the close-knit friendships I used to cherish, but at the same time, I started to feel more self-aware and grounded, as if I were building a more harmonious and healthy future.

However, I find myself wondering whether I’m actually growing or just alienating people.
Am I in a hormone or mental health crisis that I haven’t fully realized yet, or am I finally advocating for myself?

How do you determine whether something is a breakdown or a breakthrough when everything starts to fall apart, including your marriage, friendships, and previous roles?

Sincerely,

Breakdown or Breakthrough?

Dear Breakdown or Breakthrough,

I appreciate your depth and candor. Your statement echoes a silent reality that many people experience but find difficult to articulate: that sometimes the first step to finding yourself again is for everything to fall apart.

“Your new life will cost you your old one.”

You asked whether this is a breakthrough or a breakdown. It’s not a binary answer; it could be both. Because what you’re experiencing goes beyond a marriage ending or friendships waning. Yes, it’s a very traumatic divorce; It’s the unraveling of a life script that was never entirely yours in the first place.

It sounds like you learned to over-function as a coping mechanism from your absent father and narcissistic mother. For a long time, that felt like love as you became helpful, emotionally available, and the one who could keep everything together. However, being seen is not the same as being useful. Being needed is not the same as being loved. You are no longer confusing emotional labor with connection.

When your attempt to change that narrative in your marriage failed, it compelled a more comprehensive examination. You started to notice how many of your relationships, friendships, and roles were based on your giving rather than who you actually were. You deserve to be loved just for being you, not just for how useful you are to others.

So, how can you tell if something is a breakthrough or a breakdown? Consider this: Am I behaving out of clarity rather than anger? Am I choosing love, not fear? Am I severing relationships to punish people or to keep my peace? Despite the discomfort, do I feel more like myself? If the response is yes, you are going through a profoundly painful experience. It’s a transformation-a metamorphosis.

Recognizing the Signs of Healing After a Traumatic Divorce

What you’re experiencing—the emotional healing after divorce—has recognizable patterns. You’re:

  • Setting boundaries after divorce without apologizing
  • Recognizing patterns from your childhood showing up in adult relationships
  • Choosing to distance yourself from one-sided friendships
  • Questioning roles you’ve played your entire life
  • Feeling both groundless and more authentic simultaneously

These aren’t signs of instability. They’re evidence that you’re finally healing after a traumatic divorce in a real, sustainable way.

You also brought up a crucial point: Is this a hormonal or mental health issue? Are endocrine changes or menopause involved? Yes, without a doubt, it can be.

Our ability to tolerate things we used to tolerate is frequently diminished by hormonal changes, particularly in midlife. Cortisol, progesterone, and estrogen all affect empathy and emotional control, as well as mood fluctuations. Despite this loaded and loopy layer, many women refer to this period as a sort of veil lifting, a new incapacity to pretend, to put up with imbalance, of being nice at the expense of their own mental health. Your body may be enhancing the truth; it may be helping you hear it more clearly. If your body and peace of mind are finally speaking their truth, and you need to listen.

Understanding Why Friendships Shift During Divorce Recovery

It’s not a coincidence that your friendships are changing alongside your marriage ending. You may have friends who are present through the hardest parts of your divorce, but once it’s over, they seem to breathe easier and drift back, feeling their duty is done. Life after a traumatic divorce often reveals which relationships were built on genuine connection- a true ride or die. In other scenarios, recovering from a traumatic divorce, you notice your role as the emotional caretaker, the unpaid therapist, or the one who always gives more than they receive in ALL your relationships, not just your romantic ones. Some people won’t know how to relate to you anymore when you reset your boundaries. This is especially true if you’re navigating life after a traumatic divorce—the intensity of your healing can illuminate dynamics you previously couldn’t see.

Recognizing unhealthy relationships becomes easier when you’re no longer willing to sacrifice your peace to maintain them. The friends who truly love you will respect your boundaries. The ones who resist? They were invested in who you were pretending to be, not who you actually are.

This isn’t a breakdown. This is what it looks like when a woman stops shrinking to fit inside relationships that were never designed for her expansion.

If you’re in the wreckage right now, questioning whether you’re breaking down or breaking through, give yourself permission to not know yet. Trust that clarity comes in layers, not all at once. Keep working with your therapist, honor what your body is telling you, and remember: choosing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s survival. You’re not losing relationships; you’re releasing the ones that required you to lose yourself. And that? That’s the breakthrough talking.


If you’re working through similar patterns, you might also find helpful insights in our article on How Divorce Changes a Man and Good Person, Toxic Connection.

What You’re Really Asking About Divorce Recovery

What Are the Signs You’re Healing After a Traumatic Divorce?

Healing after a traumatic divorce looks different for everyone, but common signs include: setting boundaries without guilt, recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns, feeling more authentic even when alone, and prioritizing your own needs without apologizing. You might also notice that you’re less reactive to your ex, that you’re rebuilding your identity outside the relationship, and that you’re choosing quality over quantity in friendships. Physical signs can include better sleep, reduced anxiety, and a growing sense of peace—even amid uncertainty.

How do you know if you’re having a breakdown or a breakthrough after divorce?

A breakdown typically involves feeling out of control, acting from fear or anger, and struggling to function in daily life. A breakthrough, while uncomfortable, comes with greater clarity, intentional boundary-setting, and a sense of greater alignment with your values. In fact, it is common to experience both after a traumatic divorce. Ask yourself: Am I making choices from clarity or chaos? Do I feel more like myself despite the discomfort? If you’re functioning, reflecting, and setting boundaries—even if it’s painful—you’re likely experiencing growth. That said, both can coexist, and seeking professional support can help navigate the differences.

Why Do Friendships Change When You’re Healing After a Traumatic Divorce?

Divorce, especially a traumatic divorce, can often trigger a reassessment of all relationships, not just your marriage. When you start setting boundaries and breaking people-pleasing patterns, friendships built on one-sided dynamics become unsustainable. You might realize you were always the emotional caretaker, the one reaching out, or the unpaid therapist. You heal, you naturally gravitate toward reciprocal relationships. Some friends may resist your growth because it challenges the role you played in their lives. This isn’t failure—it’s evolution. Healthy friendships will adapt and grow with you. Or you might have friends who rally around you during a traumatic divorce, only to pull back once it’s finalized—relieved they can finally step away from the support role.

Can Perimenopause and Hormonal Changes Affect Divorce Recovery?

Absolutely. Hormonal shifts, particularly during perimenopause and menopause, can intensify emotional responses and reduce your tolerance for unhealthy dynamics or create new ones, making divorce more traumatic. Changes in estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol affect mood regulation, empathy, and stress resilience. Many women describe this phase—suddenly unable to tolerate imbalanced relationships they once accepted. This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid; your body may simply be amplifying truths you’ve been suppressing. Working with both a therapist and a healthcare provider ensures you’re addressing both emotional and physical needs.