Friendships can be some of the most important relationships in our lives. Starting in youth, social connections begin to take on greater importance than even our family. Then, throughout our lives, friends fill a special fundamental role in support, meaning, and emotional connection. Like Laverne and Shirley, Dorothy and Blanche, and Lucy and Ethel, friendships are golden. Healthy friendships are marked by mutual respect, admiration, support, and good communication. Each person in a healthy friendship mutually benefits from engaging with each other through reciprocity and meaningful connection. You just click! If you are finding that you aren’t clicking with a friend or your friendship is making you feel drained, misunderstood, or mistreated then you may be experiencing the negative effects of a friendship with a toxic person. If you are feeling confused and wondering why you feel this way, check out this list to find some clarity.
Here are 13 tell-tale signs that you might be dealing with a toxic friend.
1. They Want All Your Attention On Demand
These are attention seekers. They may call you at all hours, text you incessantly, they may demand that you pick up the phone even if you are busy or aren’t up for talking. They often feign crises or exaggerate other regular life issues to obtain your support. Think victim or drama queen. They may play your heart strings by insisting that nobody else relates to them or that you are the only one who understands them or their problem.
2. Your Friend Disrespects You Regularly
A toxic friend will likely accuse you of being sensitive, insist you’re overreacting, or keep emphasizing that it’s just a joke. Do you find that your friend disrespects your boundaries or gets angry when you try to establish boundaries? Let’s call this behavior Schrödinger’s Asshole. This is when a toxic friend decides whether their offending comment was a joke based on your reaction. Like death by a thousand paper cuts, this friend will start to wear down your sense of self-confidence or your sense of autonomy. Whether they are digging at you with backhanded compliments or taking jabs at your loved ones, the effect is the same.
3. They Peer Pressure You Into Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do
Toxic friends often thrive on influencing others to stoop down to their level. For example, if they struggle with drinking, they may encourage you to order more drinks at Happy Hour. Misery loves company and they want you to be as miserable as they are. They may subversively not support you in making better decisions for yourself, such as mocking your healthy choices, minimizing your efforts, or spinning it to make your choices all about how it affects them. For example, they may guilt you into going to a party or activity with them or try to undermine your healthy endeavors.
4. These People Make Themselves the Perpetual Victim
Toxic friends often seem like they’re always in a crisis. But even if the problems are real, they rarely take any initiative to control their reactions or improve the situation. They may even perhaps rebuke your attempts to solve the issue at hand. Without the constant issues, how else would they get all the attention? They do not take responsibility for their role in a crisis or for their emotions. Perhaps they embellish a situation to generate sympathy or gain control of the narrative so they are perceived as victims.
5. They Constantly Disrespect Your Boundaries Or Deny Your Attempt To Establish Boundaries
Boundaries can be challenging in any relationship, but supportive friends will work hard to understand and respect your limits. Toxic friends, however, often believe the rules don’t apply to them and are exempt from your boundaries, especially when they need your support. When you set a boundary, they may perceive this a threat to their control on you or they may perceive a boundary as a rejection. We all sometimes struggling with hearing NO, but a toxic person sees this as an afront to their control over you or being your priority.
6. They Can Be Jealous Of Your Other Relationships
A toxic friend will feel jealous or frustrated by the other people in your life because this makes them feel unimportant or rejected. A toxic person might be jealous of your sister or spouse or even your children. After all, they need to know they’re the most important person in your life.
Subsequently, they may insult your friends or alienate people around you with their behavior. For example, if you vent to them about your spouse, they may try to convince you how you’re so much better off without them. Wouldn’t your life be better without those pesky loved ones in your life? In extreme cases, they may go behind your back and lie or smear you to others to sever your reputation.
7. You Give Way More Than You Receive-Emotionally, Financially, Your Time
Friendship is a give and take and you should not keep a tally of what you give. Give because you want to, not because you want something in return. But if it seems like you’re always the one giving your time, money, or emotional resources, you probably have a toxic friendship.
Do you find that they can’t be bothered when you try to ask for support or time? Or perhaps they minimize your struggles to always shine the attention on themselves. Let’s call this the “ya but” syndrome, which is where you express an issue and are looking for their support and they eternally “ya but…you have everything” “ya but…I have it worse”.
This serves them to make sure you don’t prioritize yourself; you prioritize them.
8. You Love When Your Plans Get Canceled
When you find yourself dreading upcoming events or plans with a friend, or if you keep making excuses as to why you can’t attend- it’s probably a critical indicator that you may be in a toxic friendship. If your friendship is draining you of your happy and you are starting to make choices to avoid this person or forgo an event you want to attend so you don’t have to deal with them, then you may be in a toxic relationship.
9. You Often Withhold Telling Them Your Real Truth Or Avoid Being Vulnerable With Them
If you’re in a toxic friendship, you may already be withdrawing and not consciously realize it. Perhaps you don’t feel safe to be honest with them or maybe they have crossed your boundaries more than once. Do they work behind your back to generate narratives that only serve themselves?
You might find it hard to truly express yourself to them or you are afraid to be honest because you know it won’t go well. If you cannot trust a person’s reactions, they gaslight or manipulate you then you likely choosing to not be vulnerable with them already. If you have ever confronted them about their behavior and they flipped the script on you, then you likely are reticent to approach them with real honesty.
10. You Keep Lying or Covering for Them
Pay attention if your knee-jerk response is to defend or minimize their actions! Do you find yourself doing mental gymnastics to accept or explain a friend’s behavior? Do you disregard logic to maintain your friendship? If you must sugar coat, smooth out, or outright lie for your friend’s behavior, then you might have a toxic friend. Do they behave in a way that does not resonate with your values, or you find embarrassing? If you must suspend your disbelief or engage in cognitive dissidence to maintain your friendship, then you may have a toxic friend.
11. You Feel Trapped or Obligated to Be Their Friend
Does your friend often shift the blame to make it seem like you have the problem instead of being accountable for their actions and decisions? Does your friend hurt you and then instead of acknowledging what they have done, do they accuse you of overreacting. If your friend invalidates your feelings or flips the script on you when you have a grievance, then you might have a toxic friend.
If you consider stepping away from the relationship often but you override this instinct to save face, avoid conflict, or maintain your social group, then you may be in a toxic relationship.
12. You Feel Completely Drained After Talking With Them
Toxic friendships can drain your well-being because you spend so much time trying to please them, problem-solve for them, or cajole them. You might currently be experiencing a sense of relationship burnout. If a catch up with your friend drains you and you need emotional recovery time, then you may have a toxic friend. Do you find that your friend rarely asks you how you are doing and is much more interested in telling you all about how they are? Do you find you spend all your time solving their issues or listening to their problems?
Does this friend thrive on drama, or negativity and it is bringing you down? Imagine all the emotional bandwidth you would have available for a better relationship if you weren’t so drained.
13. Your Friend Isn’t The Same Person In Private As They Are In Public
Does your friend seem like the life of the party but when you are alone with them, they are miserable? Do they put on the airs of being very independent or strong and then in private they are super needy and clingy? A toxic friend will have a public persona that is very important to them. This is a curated version of themselves meant to draw you in and to undermine any negative feedback possibly coming from those close to them. You see this often in cases where someone is lovely to their coworkers and an absolute terror to those closest to them like their family or spouse. Do you find yourself wondering if you are just getting all the garbage from your friend and that someone else out there must be getting the good side?
Are you running on the fumes of the fun friend you originally met? If so, you may have a toxic friend.
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward protecting your emotional well-being. Remember, setting boundaries or stepping away from relationships that consistently drain you is not selfish. True friendship should lift you, not tear you down. If you identify several of these signs in your relationship, it might be time to have an honest conversation with your friend or reassess their role. While ending or changing a friendship can be difficult, your mental health and emotional peace should always be a priority. You deserve friendships that are reciprocal, respectful, and genuinely supportive.
Common Questions and Answers
Q1: How do I confront a toxic friend about their behavior?
Choose your timing carefully. Start by having a calm, honest conversation in a private setting. Begin with a subtle, genuine, authentic compliment about how you feel and value them. Use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, ‘I felt hurt and humiliated when you guys spoke about me to___.”, never a ‘You made me feel.’ Express the behavior and the actions that concern you and be open to their perspective. Try to communicate in a way that does not attack or criticize their personality or character, and stick with the actions. Set clear boundaries and intentions about what you need to change to maintain the relationship.
Be sure to take the time to analyze if it is even a friendship worth saving and how much you want to invest in communicating your conflict, and if they would even understand.
Q2: What if my toxic friend is part of my larger friend group?
A: You can create healthy distance while maintaining group harmony by limiting one-on-one interactions, setting clear boundaries, and keeping conversations light and casual in group settings. Focus on nurturing individual relationships with other members of the group.
Q3: How can I tell if I’m being too sensitive or if the friendship is actually toxic?
A: Look for patterns rather than isolated incidents. If multiple signs from this list resonate with you, and if others in your life have expressed similar concerns about this friend, it’s likely not oversensitivity. Trust your gut feelings and pay attention to how you feel after spending time with them.
Q4: Is it possible to repair a toxic friendship?
A: Yes, but both parties must be willing to acknowledge the issues and work on changing behaviors. The toxic friend needs to take responsibility for their actions and consistently respect boundaries and make positive changes. Professional help, like counseling, can sometimes be beneficial.
Q5: How do I end a toxic friendship gracefully?
A: Be clear but kind about your decision. You can either have a direct conversation explaining your reasons or gradually create distance through natural attrition. Focus on your needs rather than blaming them, and remain firm in your decision while avoiding the urge to justify yourself repeatedly.
