That Magical (or Scary) Moment of “We”
In every relationship, there’s a subtle but powerful shift: the first time someone says “we.” Maybe it’s, “We should take that trip,” or “We love this show!” It’s a small word but a significant step—it signals connection.
For some, “we” feels exciting, the natural next chapter. For others, it feels overwhelming, like a loss of freedom. Why? It often ties back to attachment styles and deeper emotional patterns, like the fear of engulfment (too much closeness) or the fear of abandonment (too much distance).
Understanding your attachment style can help you better understand how you navigate these dynamics and how you feel about who’s more likely to say “we” first.
“we” isn’t just a word—it’s a bridge to shared experiences. Whether you’re the first to say it or the last, understanding your attachment style can help you navigate that moment with clarity and compassion.
Table of Contents
Attachment Styles: The Blueprint for Connection
Attachment styles are patterns of relating to others, shaped in childhood by our relationships with caregivers. They form the foundation for how we connect, love, and trust in adulthood. How we connect to our primary caregivers plays a large role in how we interact and experience love, intimacy, and friendships in life. Studies have shown that children with secure attachment styles are more likely to report more satisfaction in peer relations during adolescence and then later in romantic relationships of adulthood.
- Secure Attachment: Develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and nurturing. These individuals feel comfortable with both closeness and independence, making them open to connection without fear. This is the person who is comfortable in their skin and confident to communicate their needs. They generally report higher satisfaction in close relationships in their life.
- Anxious Attachment: Arises when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive, other times unavailable. This leads to a craving for reassurance and fear of abandonment in relationships. These are your friends who text often or get clingy or perhaps seek constant reassurance using acting out or dramatics.
- Avoidant Attachment: Forms when caregivers are distant or neglectful, causing individuals to prioritize independence and downplay the need for emotional intimacy. This is the person who avoids committing to plans and is known to ghost or not show up which makes them seem unreliable.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often stemming from trauma or neglect. These individuals both crave and fear closeness, leading to push-pull dynamics. This is the person who may seem hot and cold, where they can be all in one minute and then pull away the next.
Finding Balance of “We” in Romantic Relationships
If you find yourself hesitant or eager when it comes to saying “we,” take a moment to reflect on your attachment style. Understanding these patterns can help you navigate relationships with more clarity, compassion, and confidence. When someone “we’s” all over you too quickly or too often, it can feel smothering. Or when someone can only focus on “I” then it can feel cold or detached.
For Anxious Types:
People with an anxious attachment style often fear being left behind, which can lead to seeking constant reassurance. This might make you quick to say “we” as a way to feel secure in the relationship. This attachment type can also make a person very reactive to perceived rejection which can cause relational issues.
- What to do: Practice self-soothing techniques, like journaling or mindfulness, to calm your fear of abandonment. Remind yourself that a relationship doesn’t need immediate or constant validation to be strong. Trust takes time, and healthy relationships grow naturally.
- Example: Instead of texting your partner every hour to check in (“Are you okay? Are we still good?”), try focusing on activities that bring you joy outside the relationship. This shows that your happiness doesn’t depend solely on their reassurance, making your connection more balanced.
For Avoidant Types:
If you lean toward avoidant attachment, you may fear that saying “we” will trap you in the relationship or make you lose your sense of self. This might lead to hesitance in acknowledging closeness, even when you feel it. This is the person who is emotionally unavailable or thwarts earnest attempts at connection, this is the classic “Mr. Big” from SITC.
- What to do: Challenge the idea that vulnerability equals loss of independence. Saying “we” doesn’t mean sacrificing your autonomy—it means inviting someone to share your world while still keeping space for yourself.
- Example: When your partner says, “We should plan a weekend getaway,” you might feel the instinct to push back. Instead of saying, “I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” try responding with, “That sounds fun; let’s talk about what works for both of us.” This keeps the door open for connection without feeling pressured.
For Fearful-Avoidant Types:
Fearful-avoidant individuals often experience a push-pull dynamic: craving closeness but fearing vulnerability. You might find yourself saying “we” impulsively one moment and feeling panicked about it the next. This is the person
- What to do: Pay attention to your triggers and mixed emotions. Are you saying “we” to feel secure, or does it come from a genuine place? Open communication is key—sharing your fears and uncertainties with your partner can create understanding and reduce tension.
- Example: Let’s say you tell your partner, “We should move in together!” but later feel overwhelmed by the thought. Instead of withdrawing or avoiding the topic, say something like, “I got excited about the idea but realized I need more time to think about what it means for us.” Being honest about your feelings helps both of you navigate the relationship more confidently.
Key Takeaway
Saying “we” isn’t just about defining a relationship—it’s a reflection of how we connect and navigate closeness. Whether you’re quick to embrace it or hesitant to take the leap, self-awareness and open communication can help you find the right balance. Relationships thrive when there’s space for both connection and individuality, and the journey to “we” is all about creating that harmony.
Finding Balance of “We” in Friendships
In friendships, saying “we” can also mark a shift—from casual acquaintances to a deeper bond. Whether it’s casually saying, “We always have the best time together,” or committing to joint plans, “we” signals connection and shared identity.
If you find yourself hesitant or eager when it comes to embracing “we” in friendships, it may be worth reflecting on your attachment style. Here’s how different styles play out in platonic relationships and how to navigate them.
For Anxious Types:
Anxiously attached individuals often fear being left out or not valued as much as they value their friend. This can lead to seeking frequent validation or making big gestures to cement the bond.
- What to do: Focus on building confidence in the friendship without over-relying on reassurance. Practice self-soothing techniques, like journaling or mindfulness, when insecurities arise. Trust that your friends value you, even if they don’t express it constantly.
- Example: If a friend says, “I can’t make it to our usual hangout this week,” you might be tempted to worry, “Are they pulling away?” Instead, try reminding yourself of all the times they’ve shown their commitment to your friendship. Send a lighthearted message like, “No problem, let’s catch up next week—I’m excited to hear your updates!”
For Avoidant Types:
Avoidantly attached individuals may struggle with the vulnerability that comes with deep friendships. You might feel hesitant to embrace closeness or fear being overly dependent on a friend.
- What to do: Challenge the idea that opening up makes you weak or dependent. True friendships thrive on mutual support, and sharing your world with a friend doesn’t mean losing your independence.
- Example: When a friend says, “We should plan a weekend trip together,” you might feel the instinct to avoid making plans. Instead of saying, “I don’t think I’m up for that,” try responding with, “That sounds fun—let me think about how we can make it work!” This allows you to engage with the idea without feeling trapped.
For Fearful-Avoidant Types:
Fearful-avoidant individuals often experience a push-pull dynamic in friendships: wanting to be close but fearing the vulnerability it requires. This can lead to mixed signals, where you act excited about the friendship one moment and pull back the next, hot and cold.
- What to do: Recognize your triggers and communicate openly with your friends. If you’re overwhelmed, share your feelings so they understand where you’re coming from. Friendships built on honesty create a safe space for both sides.
- Example: If you suggest a regular “best friend night” but later feel anxious about committing, be transparent. Say something like, “I love hanging out, but I’m realizing I might need more flexibility—let’s figure out something that works for both of us.”
Key Takeaway
Friendships, like all relationships, thrive on balance. Saying “we” is about recognizing shared experiences and building a bond without losing yourself. Whether you’re eager to deepen a friendship or cautious about closeness, self-awareness and communication are key.
In the end, the best friendships embrace individuality while celebrating connection. Take your time with “we,” and let it be a reflection of trust, understanding, and mutual support.
Embracing “We” Without Fear
Ultimately, “we” isn’t just a word—it’s a bridge to shared experiences. Whether you’re the first to say it or the last, understanding your attachment style can help you navigate that moment with clarity and compassion.
Relationships thrive on balance: closeness without suffocation, individuality without isolation. When you embrace “we” at your own pace, it becomes a celebration of connection—not something to fear.
So, who says “we” first? It depends on the journey. But no matter when it happens, trust that finding balance is always possible.
