Codependency & Recovery-Disentangling Yourself
Hello, my name is Jennifer, and I am a recovering codependent. Without being cliché, let me explain.
Healthy relationships are meant to be mutually beneficial and supportive for both parties, but in codependent relationships, things are one-sided. One person will be the constant caregiver or supporter-in-chief which enables the other party to not take accountability for their behavior, emotions, and life choices. If you are a caring, capable, reliable person, this may lead you to take responsibility for the actions of others, or you may feel responsible for the feelings of others.
An example would be the inebriated partner’s bad behavior that you make excuses for or the adult child who won’t step into adulthood and continue supporting them. This seemingly caring behavior just serves to perpetuate and enable the problem behavior, and they may even expect you to continue taking accountability for their actions or bailing them out. Essentially both parties in a codependent relationship lack boundaries and an adult understanding of a healthy relationship where two adults are interacting, not an oscillating parent and child roleplay.
Codependency & Recovery-Disentangling Yourself
It takes two people to form a codependent bond and you may be wondering why you are finding yourself in this dynamic. Sometimes people who experience trauma will develop codependent bonds to feel safe or gain control over their environment. Growing up in an environment with neglect, trauma, addiction, mental health issues, parental loss or chronic stress can create a codependent attachment style. We are not responsible for developing codependent tendencies, they are necessary for our survival in certain situations. However, we are accountable to work on ourselves once we are aware of this pattern.
It takes two people to form a codependent bond. With the help of therapy, you can begin to unpeel the layers and start shifting into your adult role in relationships.
Many people who deal with addictions, family strife, and relationship drama find themselves having to confront codependency and the role this plays in their adult lives. With the help of therapy, you can begin to unpeel the layers and start shifting into your adult role in relationships. This shift in your life may produce seismic waves and with the status quo. To get well and achieve the new healthy life you want, you must be willing to withstand these tremors and work towards a healthy new mindset. Shifting out of a codependent mindset lays bare the naked reality of your relationships and patterns for better or worse. For many, this can feel destabilizing and scary as the haze of interdependence lifts. Not to worry though, growing pains are part of the process, and you are on the right track to achieving freedom from negative patterns and moving into self-awareness.
Here are some 20 signs that you are in recovery from codependency.
- You accept your codependent patterns. You are aware you may not be responsible for the formation of this pattern, but you take accountability to heal yourself going forward.
- You might start to notice you are focusing on what you have done right, instead of the one small thing you may have done wrong. You are starting to see your own value and accomplishments.
- You might be having more positive self-talk which validates your feelings. By doing this you may find you are relying on others less for validation and worth.
- You may be more forgiving of yourself and setting more realistic expectations, and your perfectionistic tendencies may be waning.
- You are starting to take care of yourself. Physically, spiritually, and emotionally, you are prioritizing well-being. You are making a point to engage in activities and relationships that are good for you.
- You are letting go of unhealthy relationships, ending hurtful relationships, or choosing to spend less time with people who don’t share your values or who don’t support your health and personal growth.
- You are asking for what you need and recognizing what your needs are vs the needs of others.
- You are more selective about what opinions matter to you. You recognize you can’t please everyone.
- You recognize that you are deserving of respect, and you begin to set boundaries and limits.
- You may be seeing manipulation, abuse, and gaslighting more clearly and you stop minimizing this behavior.
- You are proud of yourself and celebrate your progress.
- You have a strong sense of who you are and you start aligning your life with people and activities that match your values.
- You stop protecting people from the consequences of their behavior and actions.
- You stop feeling responsible for the feelings of others. This means you no longer enable people by holding their weight for them.
- You forgive yourself and allow yourself space and rest when needed.
- You don’t feel like you must prove your worth by impressing others, caretaking, or achieving things.
- You know you don’t owe anyone anything. Especially difficult people, you do what is best for yourself.
- You take new relationships slow, allowing for trust to build naturally before becoming overly attached. Early over-attachment, love bombing, and trauma bonding are hallmarks of codependent relationships.
- You can tolerate uncomfortable feelings and do not avoid or triage a situation to avoid discomfort.
- You relinquish the desire to change others, and you accept that you cannot change or fix others. They are responsible for themselves.
You may still be exploring your own behavior or unpacking some important relationships in your life. If this is the case, then you are on the right path. You have started the journey to self love and self awareness. Turning the mirror on ourselves and seeing our own role in codependency, even with well-meaning intentions, can be difficult. Just know that you are doing the work and the discomfort you might feel is just spiritual growing pains. Shine a light on yourself, your truth and your journey. You are in recovery and congratulations to you. If you are wondering how to recover from codependency patterns, there are many resources.
