A personal story – Finding self-acceptance and enjoyment while rejecting traditional ideals around courtship. ( Photo: Jorge Garder)

Relationships take time, effort, and work. Successful relationships take all of the above, including sweat, change, and tears — at least, that’s what I thought, or perhaps more correctly, I was conditioned to believe. I mean, really: there was a time not so long ago when a woman could be blamed for not having “it” all: two points, five kids, a husband, a house, and a Golden Retriever.

I remember being in my late twenties — 28 or so — and working hard to fit into a mold of what society viewed as the ideal path: marry, have kids, and live happily after. I thought something was wrong with me because this wasn’t how my life turned out. Indeed, I often ask myself:  “Is it me?” “Am I looking for too much? Am I too specific? What’s wrong with me?”

Unfortunately, the answers to my questions weren’t coming, and while I was still working hard at achieving what I felt was the “ideal,” I was also getting pretty frustrated in the process. What struck me most about that time was how hard I worked towards getting my relationships right and how much pressure I felt to succeed: pressure from family, society, and a need to have a two-person income!


Let’s face it: two incomes are better than one.

Right?

Maybe. Maybe not.  

I do know that it wasn’t until much later and after many failed relationships that I realized  I could accept being happy solo and that a long-term relationship may not be in the cards for me. Trust me, being single has its perks:  I can see whomever I want whenever I want and have sex with whomever I choose.

Embracing my new sexual freedom meant I could enjoy the honeymoon phase as much as possible, so I did, and I sure had fun with it! Was it always perfect? Satisfying? Excellent? No, of course not. Being single can get lonely, but that loneliness passes like water under a bridge.  However, I realized that maybe one partner in life wasn’t enough for me or enough for me!! You might ask: “What do you mean, Kasha? How is one not enough?” Simple: For me, one is not.

I have had all types of partners; some have been friends with benefits, and some have been long-term, based on love, respect, and great sex. Awesome, mind-blowing sex, the type that comes with relationships based on love and respect. Still, even though the sex was great — and let’s face it: a woman has her needs, too — I still hadn’t found my “one” person. 

I understood then that one man couldn’t be everything, but two might satisfy my emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs?

Over the years, I’ve understood some critical things about myself. If I had no expectations, I would not be disappointed.  Whether this way of thinking is correct is up for debate, but it was my way of thinking and making sense of my experiences.

Core values that were very important to me

  • A. I wanted someone who respected my time because my time is essential.
  • B. I wanted someone who matched my efforts: if I gave 100%, he also had to.
  • C. I wanted someone honest.
  • D. I needed someone consistent.
  • E. Most importantly, I needed a man who could make me climax. Oh yes, he needed to make me climax!

 Over time I discovered that while I would meet many people who fulfilled one or two of my needs, I couldn’t find someone who had it all. It occurred to me then: why limit myself to just one person? 

Why only one? 

I ended up having 2 FWB that lasted many years. I understood then that one man couldn’t be everything, but two might satisfy my emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs. In some ways, I’ve come full circle:

I did manage to get two – in ‘comes’, and yes, it was better than one!

Lol. Some people would call this a poly relationship, but we never labeled anything; we accepted it and cared for one another, which meant we allowed ourselves to be truly happy.

Written by K.Milewski

Photos by Unsplash