Dear Lala,
About my sobriety. I am in a tough situation and I don’t know what to do! I have been on a personal healing journey for the past few years and I am now 6 months sober. I have been trying to surround myself with positive influences and positive people to continue my path. Recently, I became aware that someone who I had considered a close friend was a pretty toxic person and very emotionally manipulative and immature. With the encouragement of my therapist, I decided to establish some new boundaries with this person to build a safer space for myself on my journey and I had hoped it would improve our friendship. Unfortunately, this did not go over well at all because it seems that this friend is emotionally immature and did not react well to boundaries or my critical feedback. It really blew up and created totally unwanted drama. While I am proud of my efforts to make better choices for myself and set boundaries, what I didn’t expect was the pushback I would receive from our mutual friends. So here is the current situation. I am hosting an annual BBQ at my home and I did not include this toxic friend in the invite because I don’t trust that they will be able to not blow things up and ruin my BBQ. But now I am feeling guilty and pressured by our mutual friends to include the toxic friend and I am starting to think that maybe I’m the mean girl here? What do I do?
Yours,
“Sobering up to Toxic Friendships” Sandra
(Photos: SlLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)
Dear “Sobering up to Toxic Friendships” Sandra,
First of all, congratulations on your continued sobriety. You should be very proud of yourself! Sometimes, getting sober can mean having to make some big changes in your life to help maintain your sobriety and often those changes are lifestyle and relationships. Sometimes in a group dynamic (family or peers) where addiction is part of that social landscape, then so too is codependency. If this toxic friend was a “drinking friend”, then there may have been a lot of willful ignorance, codependence, and enabling that were bonding factors in your relationship. Birds of a feather stick together and when you are in addiction it helps to hide in plain sight with other unwell people who won’t judge you or even worse, they may even enable your negative habits. Now that you are beginning to grow and heal, you may find that some of those dynamics no longer work for you. In regards to your social circle pressuring you to allow this toxic person in your life, this is often common, because toxic people will surround themselves with enablers and bulldogs who continually allow the toxic person access to people and places that they wouldn’t otherwise on their own merit. In this case, the toxic behavior is emotionally immature and manipulative behavior and what you describe as “blow up’s”. None of those troubling traits are attractive qualities in a friend, therefore a toxic person requires codependent people around them who enable them and their poor behavior. There is a principle in the science of learning called Appraisal Theory. This is essentially where your brain reacts to a stimulus with emotion, in this case, your toxic friend. Then your brain appraises the stimuli through a filter of questions to learn from for future similar events. So you are having an emotional response to this toxic friend’s alarming behavior and your brain is instinctively running this specific series of questions; a) is this relevant to me? b) does this further my goals c) can I deal with this or do something about it? You likely know the answer already!
When responding to your social circle about this uninvited toxic friend, you need to communicate clearly without assigning blame or demanding loyalty. When your mutual friends attempt to pressure you to include a toxic friend, simply say, “I don’t feel comfortable, so I just can’t” and remember NO is a complete sentence. If they persist, then you should reflect on the fact that there may be more than one boundary-breaking toxic friend in your social circle. You may have loved this toxic friend once and that is ok because hey were the friend you needed at that time. Take this time to reflect on the past, it’s ok to look back… but don’t stare. Your future is filled with new and healthy opportunities for growth and friendship.
“In closing, if you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol addiction, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Your nearest local AA chapter can provide valuable guidance and a supportive community to help you on your journey towards a healthier, happier life. Remember, you’re not alone, and there’s strength in seeking help. Here’s to a brighter, sober future!”
