Science tells us that socialization is crucial for our survival as humans, yet our choices of who we spend time with dictate the quality and satisfaction of our lives.

We all need friendships for many reasons, and as we grow and become more discerning about what is ultimately best for us, our friendship list becomes more selective. Our relationships form, inspire, and support who we aim to be and what we want to achieve. We need socialization to survive, but we also need quality friendships to thrive.

Here are our top ten non-negotiables that define a quality friendship.

1-SUPPORT

This sounds simple and trite, but finding a friend that supports you is non-negotiable.  They may not understand your perspective, but they try to support you because they know it’s important to you. This person doesn’t blindly support you jumping off a cliff without a lifeline or doing things that are ultimately harmful; that is an enabler.  A supportive friend is genuinely happy about your successes and encourages you to be the best version of yourself, and you feel they are there for you. They allow you to make mistakes (giving you some personal space) and continually remind you of the path you are meant to be on. After all, it’s your journey.

2-TRUST

This is a core tenant of any relationship, but particularly with friendship, trust is invaluable. Now no one is above a bit of gossip here and there, in many situations, gossip may have good intentions like a warning to a friend. However, a good friend needs to feel like they can trust you with their heart. You can trust them not to spill your secrets when you are not in the room. Trust allows a friend relief to share the burden of a secret and ease some suffering.  Good solid trust has honoured your intention and is mindful of your feelings enough to feel comfortable and open. Trust is a two-way street, a sacred unspoken bond between two people.

3-GOOD CONVERSATION

Given that the definition of friendship is a relationship that is close but not intimate, you must enjoy the cerebral connection with a friend.  That is the whole thing! A friend is not technically your lover, employer, or family, although being a friend adds a more meaningful layer. Being a friend means there is no greater obligation than to electively enjoy your time with them, although deep, close friendships will go that step further, supporting a friend through thick and thin. The term ‘ride or die’ is often colloquially used among friendships that blur the line between friends and family. There are those stand-out relationships that are more sacred than family. ‘ She is like a sister to me. He is the son I never had.‘ Friendships mean you don’t have to talk about the same topics all the time, but it means that you stimulate each other somehow and you engage in conversation that increases your enjoyment in life. Have you ever gotten off the phone with a friend and felt worse than before? That is a sign that you are not engaging in good conversation.  Good conversation should be reciprocal, give and take, egalitarian, and thoughtful.  It’s not one-sided or a dumping fest or moving your mouth just to hear your voice. 

Like the adage, if you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything at all.

4-BUILDING EACH OTHER UP

A non-negotiable in friendship is that you build each other up.  This is much like support, good friends want the best for you and encourage you to always reach for your highest self even if it’s hard work or uncomfortable.  A good friend will celebrate your wins, big or small. Good friendships leave you inspired, motivated, and better than you were. Good friendships are naturally crafted, at their best moments these relationships are a magnetic meeting of the minds or humor. Friendships are built and maintained through a common underlying connection, shared value, interest, and genuine attraction and appreciation for the other.  Friendships are special, but while some are lasting, others have an expiry for whatever reason. Ultimately, we are drawn to each other as a friendship for an exchange of learning, enjoyment, support, and love. A journey of friendship has a life of its own and can go through moments of turmoil; to many, they can return more robust than ever.

5-SPACE

This is a very important element of a healthy friendship. You gotta give a person their space! Although counter-intuitive, giving space can be the most considerate thing a friend can provide. This is about respecting boundaries and accepting that someone may or may not have time for you exactly when you want it.  Giving space is truly understanding your role in your friend’s life.  A person has many responsibilities in their full life, like their children, partners, family, career, interests, health and well-being, and a good friend understands where they are on that hierarchy of needs.  Space is not a vacuum, and it is not being ignored.  It is just respecting one’s need to own their own time.  A great friend misses months with you and picks up where you left off as if it were yesterday.  No hard feelings, just knowing that you are friends. Space also recognizes that we all have our journey to learn from in our own way. As a well-intended friend, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved. A good practice is to mutually understand the message that needs to be conveyed and then step back and trust that your friend will move in the right direction. If you subscribe to the belief that everything happens for a reason, this is where you would give space.

6-KINDNESS

Kindness is so underrated in friendship. Kindness is compassion. This is a non-negotiable.  Sometimes, we keep friends for different reasons, like they are part of a group we want to be in, they seem cool, or perhaps you think they improve your social status.  But without kindness, those friends are just transient, fair-weather friends, not friends to be vulnerable with. Those kinds of friends are not to be trusted, and there will be an inflection point where you would question if those types of friendships are worth keeping. Kindness is a safe space where you can be vulnerable.  Kindness is caring about your well-being and your best interests.  Kindness is genuine and sincere care for you.  A good friend should organize their communication by three questions: 1. Is it kind? 2. Is it necessary? 3. And to whom does it serve?

7-INSPIRATION

Much like good conversation, your friends should inspire you and you should inspire them.  It is likely a good conversation will stimulate and energize you. If you are not uplifted or inspired by a friend, they are just not vibrating at the same frequency you are. Those whom you attract usually are. This doesn’t mean a friend needs to be setting the world on fire with their magic all the time but rather that their daily choices inspire you, how they move through the world, how they meet you, and share something in common whether a belief system or interest. Perhaps you are inspired by their parenting skills, how they have a positive attitude, how they think, or how resilient they are.  Whatever it may be, you need to be inspired and fired up.

8-SHARED VALUES

A friendship with diverse polar opposite values will, in time, fail. This is a non-negotiable because ultimately that is all we are at the end of the day, the summation of our values.  This informs our every move and choice in life, our behavior.  Values represent what is important to you and when you don’t know your values then you are likely to violate them causing inner turmoil and destructive habits.  This is the same when you do not share values with a friend you will constantly be confronted with a choice or situation that causes you stress or inner turmoil.  For example: if responsibility is one of your core values and a certain friendship requires you to accept or behave irresponsibly will cause you emotional distress.  Or perhaps you believe deeply in human equality, and you have a friend who lives in a way that does not comport with this strongly held value. This will place a strain on your connection as friends.  To preserve that friendship, you would need to turn a blind eye or bury your reaction to their infractions of inequality.  You can’t agree on everything with a friend and that is perfectly fine, wouldn’t that be boring if you were all clones? When you write out what your core values are you might find that friendships that leave you uncertain or confused do so because of a lack of shared core values.  Like when the chips are down, are you both on the same page? Distressing as it may sound to lose friends, it may save you a lot of drama in the end.

9-FUN

Omg, do you have fun when you see or talk to your friend? Are you laughing so hard that you’re crying? Your people (friends) need to be able to speak to your inner child and bring out the joy and enthusiasm for life.  Everyone’s idea of fun is different of course and that may look like different-to-different people.  It may be enjoying a book together and discussing themes. It may be challenging yourself to a good hike together.  Or just a good ole celebrity gossip session on the phone.  Whatever it looks like to you, there needs to be some levity.  If you find that your time with a friend is oppressive, negative, or boring, perhaps you need to reconsider the amount of time you dedicate to that friendship and if it is worth it to you.

10-LOYALTY

What is loyalty? Is this your ride-or-die friend? Sounds good right? Sometimes ride or die means looking the other way when someone is not behaving in line with their values which is not always being a great friend.  Loyalty means that your friend stays steadfast when they are faced with the opportunity to renounce, deny, or betray you.  Meaning that they don’t have to be loyal to everything you do, good, bad, or otherwise.  But rather when the opportunity is presented to throw you under the bus, gossip, or betray you, they choose not to.  Even if it is inconvenient for them to do so.  For example, if a frenemy is speaking poorly behind your back, does your friend simply play along to save face or do they refuse to join in? Will your friend have your back when your sleazy boyfriend hits on them?  Will they indulge his unwanted flattery to feed their ego or keep the peace, or will they tell you?  Life is filled with situations that will challenge your loyalty and one non-negotiable is a good friend can withstand those tests. 

A good friend should organize their communication by three questions:

  1. Is it kind?
  2. Is it necessary?
  3. And to whom does it serve?

Friendships have a huge place in our growth and quality of life. They make or break how you view a situation. Understanding your non-negotiables of what defines a mutually rewarding friendship will help you navigate relationships’ complexities.  Use your non-negotiables list as a sort of algorithm to run your friendships through.  Pay attention; these non-negotiables will keep you on task and lift you to your highest, truest self.