Women are leaving their long-term relationships, but the real question is why?

Women’s lives and roles are very different now than a generation ago.  Our foremothers were usually winding down their lives after raising children and cruising into their Florida years.  They had extra time and money to finally relax and enjoy their golden years. 

As older women started to lose their youth and desirability, society allowed women to enter their glorious crone years without attention.  You could wind down your career, your mortgage was paid off, your children were grown, and you could cut your hair short, wear comfortable pants, and get on with the years you had left with your spouse.  Having less than sexy marriage was more accepted, and older couples were given grace to no longer let pesky conversation and pleasantries ruin their peace after adulting hard for decades.  

With new technological advancements in skincare, surgeries, well-being, and mental health, 50 is the new 30. Today’s Women are not mellowing to grow old gracefully. They’re not done. After 20 years of children, mortgages, and careers, women are questioning what it is all about and redefining what makes them happy.  

No one survives a long-term relationship unscathed.  You can guarantee there have been dalliances, money troubles, baby brain, family and trauma issues, conflict, and sexual and trust issues over those years.   But isn’t that how it has always been?   Why are so many women leaving their relationships before settling into that grandma and pa relationship of yore? Our mothers and grandmothers traveled the same life landscape, and their relationships survived. Or did they?  (Photos: SlLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)

Yes, generation after generation, women partner and rear children tirelessly and thanklessly, but perhaps there are greater expectations and obstacles for modern women. Today, most middle-aged women are not finished raising their kids, and many are just in the first decade of parenting because people wait longer to start their families.  Navigating the stress of co-parenting with your partner and the doldrums and expense of kids lasts much longer than it used to. Ostensibly, most women do not have their mortgage paid off at this age, and many are in debt and looking to work well past 65 for financial survival.  So, that sweet early bird special and shuffleboard lifestyle is drifting farther out of reach, which means the daily stresses of the rat race persist longer in people’s lives and their relationships. (Photos: SJLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)

Why are Women leaving their marriage article shows photo of mother and son shopping- why are women leaving their marriage

We hear another story of women deciding to walk away from their long-term relationship each week.  Sometimes it is through the painful and confusing prolongment of swinging, polyamory, or throuples that is frequently the first crack in the façade of conscious uncoupling (thanks Gwyneth Paltrow). Women are having affairs that are sometimes not just flings or a roll in the hay.  

For those 35+ years old, Women on the wave of perimenopausal and menopausal symptoms face biological and hormonal changes, causing a redefining of their wants and needs, with some straight up asking for a divorce or separation despite the obvious turmoil for their families. Through choppy mid-life waters, some women break up and then makeup, like a misguided effort to add some spice or indecision.  Either way, women are leaving, women are instigating the dissolution of their long-term relationships, and women are spending their lives at an age when previous generations were cruising into their sunset years. 

Let’s look at the key reasons women leave to shed some light on this trend.

  1. The children are grown or independent enough that my partner and I no longer have any reason to be together. At this point, we are in more of a business arrangement than a love story. 
  2. My partner has strayed in the past, and I accepted It at the time because we were knee-deep in life, and I just wanted to have a solid home for my kids.  The bitterness and resentment over the affair have never left the marriage, and now that the kids are older, so am I.
  3. I could not afford to leave before, and now that I have my career on track and can take care of myself, I do not want to settle for less than the fairytale.  I want to “want” to be with someone, not “have” to be with someone.
  4. The ‘in love’ feeling faded. Living with someone is hard, especially aligning household values and rules. Prioritizing the kids, navigating responsibilities, and putting out fires, there is not much left in the tank, and we let the relationship flame blow out. ” I love him, but I am not in love with him” is common.
  5. I am just not attracted to him anymore.  He is a nice guy and a good father, but he isn’t hot to me.  Hormones can dry out our mojo and cause major issues with our libido. At the risk of falling victim to mainstream media, the FOMO is real, with Women wanting a more passionate love life. ‘My partner is just too vanilla for me.’ 
  6. I am more confident. We were stuck in a toxic and codependent relationship, and I could not breathe anymore.  Busy with life and low exposure to therapeutic terms, I never knew there was more to life. Since approaching therapy, the goalposts have changed, and respect that has been lost can’t be regained. 
  7. I am bored. I am looking down the barrel of another 15-20 years of working and routine, and I cannot imagine being stuck in this loop with my partner. Same couch, same bed, same commute, same routines, routine sexual activities, same conversations. It seems like there is a whole world going on out there, and I am missing it all.

All of these reasons are valid, common, and resonant for so many of us. Is it possible to use couples therapy to move towards a happier union, or does FOMO outweigh the long, hard work required to find peace with a long-term partner?  

Women are leaving, and we will continue to explore why.