Dear Lala
My wife and I have been married for 20 years, and I love her very much. Everyone has problems and challenges in their relationships, but she and I have a wonderful thing going, or so I thought… Recently, she said she wants to date other people, and I am heartbroken. She says she doesn’t want to end the marriage per se, but she has insisted that she wants to try new partners and isn’t happy with me. Her open marriage/ polyamorous request makes me feel like she wants to break up with me but isn’t willing to be upfront. I have tried to be a good partner, and we have built a life together, and now I feel blindsided. I want to save our marriage and her to be happy, but I am not sure I can handle an open relationship.
My wife is a strong, independent person, which I like and one of the reasons I fell in love with her, but to be honest, sometimes that strong personality can feel like she is avoidant, flippant, and distant from me. She can sometimes be aggressive, so I have learned to avoid conflict with her. I know she has had a challenging upbringing, and I am compassionate towards her; however, I am afraid that some of this behavior stems from her childhood. The more I think about it, the more it seems that maybe I have been overlooking some deeper, more serious issues. Have I been wearing love goggles and not seeing the reality?
Sincerely,
Not Ready to be Poly
(Photos: SlLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)
Dear Not Ready to Be Polyamorous,
First, thank you for sharing your story. No matter what happens from this point forward, remember that 20 years of marriage is a massive success, not a failure! You should be proud of this accomplishment and acknowledge the work you and your wife have put into such a long, successful partnership.
Sometimes, when one partner is looking for an escape or to satisfy their unhappiness, they suggest polyamory to breathe life into the relationship. In reality, dating other people will not direct the love energy into the relationship that needs work; it is merely a distraction from the inevitable. If there are finite resources like time, energy, or emotional labor, those should be spent working on a solution to whether your relationship can be salvaged. Therapy may sound overwhelming and not sexy (not like the quick fix of some greener grass endorphin-rushing booty calls), but it is the only real meaningful way forward.
You mentioned that your wife can be distant, fickle, and avoidant, which speaks to some underlying emotional development issues. Perhaps she experienced some issues with inconsistent or neglectful care as a child that have affected her emotional health. This is not to insinuate that she had bad parents because there are many times when inconsistent care is not by choice but rather a matter of circumstance. For example, when parents are dealing with mental health issues, postpartum depression, addiction, single parenting, poverty, or death/loss of one parent. However, the effects are still the same, and a child may develop an insecure style of attachment with their primary caregiver, their parent. This inconsistency in parenting style can cause a child to become clingy, agitated, withdrawn, disorganized, or sometimes even reject their parent. This is due to the child not being confident or secure in whether their caregiver will respond to or meet their basic emotional and survival needs. These early attachments are the cornerstone of social development and will play a role in how that person copes in future intimate relationships, friendships, and their overall sense of self. Therefore, if you are in a relationship and your partner has challenges with connecting or consistency and is avoidant of true intimacy, then your partner may have core issues with insecure attachment.
Unfortunately, you can only heal yourself and work on your end of things, so you might want to encourage your wife to seek out professional support on their own. By showing her that you are sensitive to her emotional needs and are consistent, she will see that your relationship is very important to her. That polyamory isn’t the solution to her personal issues. Couples counseling and couples’ retreats are invaluable, but you must start with being a whole person yourself before you can mend the connection in your relationship.
Polyamory can be a healthy and happy part of many relationships, and love comes in all forms, but it will certainly not fix a marriage desperately in need of repair. You need to have a strong foundation and a strong connection before bringing others into the mix, or things can get very messy very quickly, and the emotional disconnect can grow. Be honest with your wife; tell her you support and love her, but reiterate that you are not ready to date other people and would prefer to work on things with professional support. Slow things down, respect your boundaries and lead with love always.
Lala
