What Do I Do When My Grey Area Girlfriend is Going Through It?
Dear Lala,
I have been in a long-distance situationship/ relationship for two years on and off. You see, I met this girl while traveling through Asia after college, and we hit it off like wildfire. We spent a week together exploring Vietnam and Cambodia, camping on the beach, diving, and adventuring. It felt like a fling, yet maybe something more. When the trip ended, I thought I’d never see her again, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
A few years ago, I received a friend request on social from her, and I thought this must be destiny; she found me after all this time. There was such excitement in reconnecting and catching up that we were in contact daily it seemed. We have been having these long text chats and occasionally phone calls that last hours. It feels like we have been together the whole time, even though I know it’s not practical because of the distance, I think we are falling in love.
Or at least it feels that way sometimes. But just as soon as we really hit a groove, she ghosts me for weeks, and I start to question everything. Logically, I think, how can I get attached like this? We don’t even see each other or know each other like that. But then she drops these hints about how strong her feelings are and feels like we are making plans for a future.
Recently, I found out her father had passed away suddenly, and they were very close. She has been super spooked and not so keen to connect with me lately, and I am starting to wonder if she is playing games or something. I know she is going through the trauma of losing her father, and I want to be there for her to support her emotionally, but I am wondering maybe if that is even appropriate or am I getting this all wrong?
Sincerely,
Ghosted by My Grey Area Girl
Dear Ghosted by My Grey Area Girl,
Your situation sounds both exciting and challenging—this kind of long-distance connection can stir up so many emotions, from hope and excitement to doubt and confusion. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling caught between the thrill of what could be and the frustration of not knowing where you truly stand.
I actually went through something similar a few years back. I met someone during a solo trip through South America, and we had this whirlwind of a connection—After the trip we were messaging every day, sharing dreams and goals like we were building something real, but then, just like you described, there were these periods of silence that left me feeling completely unanchored and confused.
What I learned from that experience—and what might resonate with you—is that long-distance relationships, especially when they are formed from such intense travel experiences, exist in a kind of bubble. They can feel incredibly deep and meaningful, and they are, but they also lack the day-to-day doldrum realities that help relationships stay grounded and rooted in reality. When you add something as profound as grief into the mix, like what she’s going through with the loss of her father, it becomes even harder to know how to show up for her and what role you’re supposed to play.
Grief can cause people to retreat, become inconsistent, or even push people away without meaning to. It’s not necessarily that she is playing games; likely, she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to maintain your connection at the moment. Right now, she might be struggling to process a lot-grief, sadness, depression, loss-and the intensity of your situationship could feel overwhelming to her in ways she may not be aware of.
So what can you do? The best thing might be to let her know you’re there for her, without pressure. A simple note like, “I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I want you to know I’m here if you need, no expectations or pressure.” This gives her the space to come to you when she’s ready, rather than feeling like she’s disappointing you by pulling away. She likely cannot manage expectations from anyone right now.
At the same time, it’s okay to take a step back and ask yourself what you need from this relationship. You need to take stock and ask if this relationship is meeting your needs. Are you okay with the uncertainty and inconsistency of her contact? Are you looking for something more grounded and stable? Can you manage your expectations or are you getting carried away into a fantasy? It’s easy to get caught up in what something “could be”, think of it like future breadcrumbing. All of the little nuggets of hope she drops might feel good to hear but it’s important to check in with how it’s making you feel. Your needs matter and to get anywhere you need to even know how you want to come to the table in this grey area.
“I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I want you to know I’m here if you need, no expectations or pressure.”
Long-distance connections like this can be beautiful, but they also require a lot of patience, self-awareness, and realistic expectations. Give her space, but also give yourself permission to acknowledge your own needs and whether this dynamic truly aligns with what you’re looking for in a relationship.
You’re not getting it “wrong”—you’re just navigating something complicated. Proceed with an open heart, but protect your heart too.
