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Dear Lala,
Lately, I have been Marie Kondo-ing my life. It started with my diet, cleaning out my cupboards and throwing out expired things I have hoarded like ingredients I will never use and are just collecting dust. That way I could focus on healthy choices by simplifying my kitchen and streamlining the chaos. Then it moved to my closets and I mercenarily sorted and donated anything I haven’t worn in 2 years or doesn’t fit anymore. After all of this purging, I found myself taking inventory of my friendships, realizing that I had been hoarding people or patterns in my relationships. I decided it was time to declutter friendships too.
There were two friends in particular that I had reached my emotional wall with. I wasn’t sure if we had grown apart or maybe they were just dysfunctional or I had changed? But I wrote down all the ways that I was annoyed by them and decided I should text them to express my frustrated feelings. I told myself it was tough love and they needed to hear it, I was strong and clear in my messages. Basically, it felt like a relationship break-up and they both were at mad at me. I really wondered if I had sone the right thing or whether I just should have left it alone. Tough as that was, deep down it felt like I was doing some housekeeping, cleaning up all aspects of my life. Time has passed now, and each of these friends has reached out and we have reconnected somewhat. I thought our friendships were over but now I am unsure. I am falling back on old comforts or should I be open to renewing these friendship bonds?
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Old Habits or New Bonds
Dear LaLa Advice:
Dear Old Habits or New Bonds,
Thank you for sharing your situation, I think many readers can relate. Understandably, you are taking inventory of your relationships because you’ve been streamlining different areas of your life, your friendships have come under the same scrutiny. Relationships, like our living spaces, can sometimes accumulate old stuck patterns and dynamics that no longer serve us. Just like you are using tough love on yourself by relentlessly purging your wardrobe and your cupboards-Tough love conversations, while difficult, have the potential to strengthen a bond rather than sever it—especially when approached with honesty and a desire for growth. These conversations create space for authenticity, allowing both parties to address unspoken frustrations and unmet expectations which are common barriers to growing healthy friendships.
Tough love conversations when done with respect and clear communication, they can reset boundaries, clarify your mutual values, and help friendships evolve rather than stagnate in old patterns. Just like in family systems, friendships thrive on open communication and mutual respect, and sometimes it takes a bit of disruption to foster deeper understanding. As tough as these conversations are, in the long run they will distill whether this relationship is one where growth is possible or whether is a relationship that has run it’s course. Which is also fine, that is a natural part of life. Sometimes your path diverges from a friend and this is okay too.
When considering reconnecting with these friends that you have taken space from, it can help to think about your friendships in layers—sort of like a Venn diagram. Some friendships exist in the innermost circle of deep connection, trust, and love, while others belong in outer rings, where interactions are more casual or situational.
Your previous frustration may have come from expecting a deeper level of connection that they weren’t able to meet at the time. You can think about friendships in this way as a sliding scale, sometimes a friend may be in the outer circle, then the inner ring and back again, depending on both of your lives and needs are at the time.
Relationships are all about relating and through life’s journey you may connect differently at different times. Revisiting these connections now doesn’t necessarily mean reverting to the same old relationship roles and patterns; instead, it can be an opportunity to redefine where they fit in your life now-which circle they exist in. Ask yourself if the connection feels aligned with your values and emotional well-being, and whether you can engage with them from a place of equality and reciprocity rather than obligation. Renewal of your friendship after some tough love pauses doesn’t have to mean returning to how things were; it can mean creating something new that honors your growth and where you are on your journey.
5 Ways to Use Tough Love to Improve Your Friendships
Tough love can be a powerful tool in maintaining healthy, fulfilling friendships. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, addressing issues with honesty and care can ultimately strengthen your connections and lead to more meaningful relationships. Here are five effective ways to use tough love to improve your friendships
1. Address Unhealthy Patterns Early
If you notice recurring issues in your friendship, such as one-sided effort or toxic behaviors, tough love can help break the cycle. Perhaps you are finding your friend isn’t listening to you or respecting your boundaries. By pointing out these patterns respectfully, you encourage your friend to reflect and make positive changes, preventing resentment from building over time.
2. Be Willing to Walk Away if Necessary
Sometimes, tough love means recognizing when a friendship no longer aligns with your values or well-being. If repeated issues persist despite honest conversations, it might be time to step back. Letting go of unhealthy connections can make room for friendships that truly support and uplift you. When approached thoughtfully, it can lead to stronger, more authentic relationships that stand the test of time.
3. Communicate with Compassion and Clarity
Tough love doesn’t mean being harsh—it means being honest with kindness. Approach difficult conversations with a balance of empathy and directness. Express your feelings clearly, without blame or judgment, so your friend understands where you’re coming from and why it’s important to you.
4. Encourage Accountability and Growth
True friends hold each other accountable. Using tough love, you can help your friend recognize areas where they might need to step up or make improvements, whether it’s in their behavior, decision-making, or how they contribute to the friendship. Support their growth by offering constructive feedback and encouragement.
5. Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries
Friendships thrive on mutual respect and understanding, and tough love helps reinforce boundaries that protect your emotional well-being. Clearly communicating your limits can lead to a healthier and more balanced dynamic, whether it’s about time commitments, emotional support, or personal space.
Banner Gif Barbara Steinsand Gif @ Gify
