Why are some people Unapologetic Non-apologists?
Sorry is a simple word that carries outsized weight. I remember a time when I accidentally forgot a close friend’s birthday. I felt terrible and wasn’t sure how to make it right. Finally, I called and apologized sincerely, explaining how much their friendship meant to me. To my surprise, not only did they accept my apology, but we ended up laughing about how forgetful I can be.
That experience showed me how powerful and healing a heartfelt sorry can be.
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It is a word that can make the difference between a beginning and an end in a relationship. The five-letter word can change the outcome of legal entanglement or sentencing. At the root of this small word is an acceptance and accountability that carries a magnitude of meaning, implicit and explicit.
Sorry is a word that communicates one’s overt intention to make good or make amends in a situation. It conveys an acknowledgment of another’s experience and feelings. The subtext of the word is that one is taking accountability for their actions in the world and saying they wish to continue to be accepted in the world.
In many cultures, there are practices where individuals or communities have collective apologies to find peace and move forward with a collective understanding of past pains. Such as the Hawaiian practice of Ho’onoponopono where a simple mantra of “Forgive me. I love you. I’m sorry” is said to free an individual or a group of all negativities.
What is interesting in this practice is that it is not necessarily the wrongful one who must say sorry; it can, in fact, be the person or persons who have been wronged that offer this spiritual apology. The idea is to absolve oneself or one’s community from the negativity of wrongdoing by apologizing to the universe and sending the negativity back to the seed from which it was born.
Many people find that by doing this, they free themselves of the holding and weight of pain, hurt, and anger caused by others. Sort of a universal apology to the earth for the mistakes of all.
For non-apologists, the act of apologizing may be perceived as relinquishing control or power in a relationship. They may view apologies as admissions of weakness rather than as opportunities for reconciliation.
Historic Apologies
The act of saying sorry is not just a plea for forgiveness from those you have offended; it is also an act of self-forgiveness. Verbalizing your acknowledgment of mistakes and errors becomes a tangible step toward forgiving yourself. In South Africa, after years of oppression, a Day of Reconciliation was held, during which the entire nation apologized—acknowledging the pain caused and initiating a process of healing for both the oppressed and the oppressors. Nelson Mandela captured this sentiment when he said, “Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” A similar practice took place in Canada, where the government apologized for the systemic oppression of the First Peoples of Canada. While the word “sorry” may seem too simple to atone for lifetimes of injustice and suffering, the act of apologizing remains a powerful tool for emotional and spiritual freedom—breaking the chains of history and paving the way for reconciliation.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.”
Nelson Mandel – Former President of South Africa
Origin of the Word Sorry
The word “sorry” comes from Old English and Germanic words meaning “full of pain,” “sore (as in pain),” and “distressed.” This implies that there is pain involved when the word “sorry” is appropriate to use. When you have wronged someone or caused them physical, emotional, or perceived distress, the word “sorry” encompasses exactly the right meaning. Accepting that you have caused someone pain or distress and then voicing it to them, is a simple act of shared humanity. Canadians often receive global ribbing for their liberal use of the word “sorry.” They use it in place of phrases such as “excuse me,” “oops,” “I beg your pardon,” and in many other seemingly innocuous moments. What lies behind this generous use of the word “sorry” in Canadian culture is likely a desire for citizenship and community—values Canadians hold close to their hearts. In earnest, when a Canadian unintentionally bumps into someone on the street, quickly saying “sorry” lets all parties know that they did not intend the action. It also implies the subtext of a shared desire for a safe and harmonious society.
The Hawaiian practice of Ho’onoponopono where a simple mantra of “Forgive me. I love you. I’m sorry” is said to free an individual or a group of all negativities.
Have you ever met someone who never says sorry? Or have you seen a group or business that refuses to apologize for poor service, dangerous practice, or failure? We must wonder why when it is obvious and appropriate to apologize some still choose not to.

Apologies in Pop Culture
The phrase “never explain, never complain,” famously associated with the British Royal Family, embodies stoicism and detachment. Celebrities like Kate Moss have embraced this ethos, maintaining an air of mystery and resilience. Moss, for instance, remained silent during scandals such as her 2005 drug allegations, refusing to issue public apologies. Instead of damaging her career, this silence solidified her iconic status, as major brands continued to work with her. Similarly, Beyoncé rarely addresses controversies directly, opting to respond through her art, which preserves her image of control and mystique.
In pop culture, apologizing is often viewed as a sign of vulnerability or weakness, potentially diminishing a celebrity’s power or opening the door to further scrutiny. Public apologies, like Will Smith’s heartfelt statement after the 2022 Oscars slap, are analyzed for authenticity and timing, often seen as strategic moves rather than genuine remorse. Conversely, Kevin Hart’s initial refusal to apologize for resurfaced homophobic tweets illustrated how defiance can backfire, forcing an eventual concession under public pressure.
While the “never explain, never complain” approach projects strength and authority, societal expectations have shifted in the age of social media and cancel culture. Audiences increasingly demand accountability, viewing sincere apologies as necessary for public redemption. However, refusing to apologize can also preserve an untouchable mystique, as seen with figures like Moss and Beyoncé. The balance between vulnerability and resilience reflects evolving attitudes toward power and transparency, deciding to apologize a nuanced and strategic act in celebrity culture.
Let’s look at some reasons that people are Non-apologists
1/ Fear of Vulnerability.
Reluctance to apologize can often stem from a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. For many individuals, offering an apology may feel like opening Pandora’s box, exposing themselves to further scrutiny, criticism, or demands for additional apologies. This fear can create a protective instinct to put up walls, as they may worry that admitting fault will lead to a cascade of blame or even persecution.
For non-apologists, the act of apologizing may be perceived as relinquishing control or power in a relationship. They may view apologies as admissions of weakness rather than as opportunities for reconciliation. Consequently, they might avoid apologizing to maintain a sense of security and self-preservation.
They fear that once they concede one point, they will be pressured into conceding even more. This defensive posture can make it difficult to address and resolve conflicts effectively.
Interestingly, non-apologists often have an aversion to conflict and may mistakenly believe that avoiding an apology will prevent further confrontation. However, this avoidance can backfire, leading to prolonged misunderstandings, resentment, or emotional distance. In some cases, refusing to apologize can amplify tension rather than defuse it, creating a barrier to genuine communication and healing.
The irony is that while apologizing might feel like a risky endeavor, it often holds the potential to build trust, restore harmony, and strengthen relationships. An apology demonstrates accountability and a willingness to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, which can be a powerful tool for mending strained connections.
Recognizing that apologizing does not equate to surrender but rather to emotional maturity and growth can help individuals reframe their fears about vulnerability.
Ultimately, addressing the reluctance to apologize requires introspection and empathy. It involves understanding one’s own fears and insecurities while also considering the needs and emotions of others. Encouraging a perspective that views apologies as a path toward healing rather than a threat to one’s integrity can foster healthier, more resilient relationships.
2/ Fear of Shame.
Shame is a deeply rooted and powerful emotional mechanism that often drives people to avoid situations where they may feel exposed, judged, or inadequate. Unlike guilt, which is typically associated with regret over specific actions, shame tends to attack one’s sense of self, leading individuals to believe they are inherently flawed or unworthy. This internalized fear of judgment can make the act of apologizing feel overwhelming because saying “sorry” inherently involves admitting fault or wrongdoing.
For many, this admission can feel like an unraveling of their self-image, particularly if their identity is already fragile or shaped by past criticism, trauma, or insecurity. Instead of viewing an apology as an opportunity to repair and restore relationships, some may perceive it as evidence of weakness or failure, intensifying feelings of shame. In such cases, defensiveness or avoidance may become coping mechanisms to protect oneself from confronting these painful emotions.
However, while apologizing can initially heighten feelings of vulnerability, it also has the potential to alleviate the negative weight of shame and guilt over time. Offering a genuine apology not only acknowledges harm caused but also demonstrates accountability and empathy. This process can promote healing for both parties, helping to rebuild trust and restore emotional balance. Furthermore, apologizing can lead to personal growth by fostering self-awareness and resilience, transforming what initially feels like an act of defeat into one of courage and strength.
By reframing apologies as opportunities for connection and growth rather than admissions of failure, individuals may begin to overcome their fear of shame and approach conflicts with greater openness and compassion.
3/ A Fragile Sense of Self.
A fragile sense of self often stems from a lack of internal stability or confidence in one’s identity and worth. People who experience this insecurity may have difficulty differentiating between their actions and their intrinsic value as a person. As a result, any criticism of their behavior can feel deeply personal, as though it is an indictment of their entire character rather than an observation about a specific choice or action.
This tendency is often rooted in early experiences, such as being raised in environments where mistakes were harshly punished, love was conditional, or personal worth was tied to performance and behavior. Over time, such individuals may internalize the belief that they must be perfect or without fault to be lovable or worthy. Consequently, admitting to wrongdoing becomes psychologically threatening because it challenges the fragile foundation of their self-esteem. Instead of seeing mistakes as opportunities for growth, they experience them as evidence of personal failure or inadequacy.
When someone with this mindset is asked to apologize, it can trigger feelings of shame and defensiveness rather than reflection and accountability. Instead of hearing, “What you did was hurtful,” they may perceive, “You are a bad person.” This perception can make them shut down emotionally, avoid responsibility, or even lash out to protect themselves from the discomfort of shame. Their inability to separate their behavior from their identity leaves them ill-equipped to offer a sincere apology without spiraling into self-criticism or self-loathing.
This dynamic can strain relationships, especially when apologies are needed to repair trust. Partners, friends, or colleagues may feel that the person is being stubborn, dismissive, or manipulative, when in reality, the reluctance to apologize often comes from a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. The person may unconsciously believe that admitting fault will lead others to confirm their worst fears—that they are fundamentally unworthy of love or acceptance.
For individuals struggling with this insecurity, learning to embrace self-compassion is essential. Developing the ability to recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and that mistakes do not define character, can help create emotional safety for growth. Therapy, mindfulness practices, and journaling can assist in untangling self-worth from external validation and in building the resilience necessary to face criticism without crumbling.
Ultimately, cultivating a secure sense of self allows individuals to offer genuine apologies because they no longer view accountability as a threat to their identity but as an opportunity to strengthen relationships and personal integrity.
4/ Fear of Admitting Guilt.
Many people hesitate to apologize because they perceive it as an admission of guilt or a declaration that they are entirely to blame for what happened. This belief often stems from a fear of being unfairly burdened with responsibility or losing credibility in the eyes of others. They may view apologies as a form of surrender, signaling weakness, vulnerability, or an imbalance of power in the relationship.
In situations where both parties share some level of responsibility, the reluctance to apologize first may be compounded by feelings of injustice or pride. The person may feel that acknowledging their part in the conflict, even if minor, allows the other party to avoid accountability altogether. They might worry that their apology will be used as leverage, reinforcing the narrative that they were the sole cause of the issue rather than participants in a mutual misunderstanding or disagreement.
Additionally, apologizing can feel risky because it exposes one’s imperfections and insecurities. For some, this vulnerability may feel too uncomfortable, especially if they fear rejection, retaliation, or further criticism. This fear can be even more pronounced in relationships where trust is fragile, or communication patterns are already strained.
However, this mindset can create an impasse, as both parties may wait for the other to make the first move, leading to prolonged resentment or unresolved tension. In reality, offering an apology does not necessarily mean accepting full responsibility but rather demonstrates emotional maturity and a willingness to prioritize resolution over blame. It signals empathy, acknowledges the other person’s feelings, and opens the door for honest dialogue about shared accountability.
Understanding that apologies are not admissions of total guilt but gestures of goodwill can help people navigate conflicts more effectively. Reframing apologies as tools for connection rather than transactions of blame can lead to healthier, more resilient relationships.
Offering a genuine apology not only acknowledges harm caused but also demonstrates accountability and empathy.
5/ Fear of Big Emotions.
Many individuals who struggle with processing and expressing big emotions, such as anger, sadness, or embarrassment, often develop avoidance patterns as a means of self-protection. This discomfort may stem from early experiences where emotional expression was discouraged, invalidated, or met with criticism. As a result, they may have internalized the belief that expressing emotions is unsafe or unacceptable, leading to emotional suppression or detachment as a coping mechanism.
For some, the inability to regulate big feelings can create a sense of being overwhelmed, as though these emotions might consume or control them. Without healthy coping strategies, they may resort to behaviors like denial, deflection, or numbing to avoid confronting their emotional vulnerability. These tendencies can further reinforce a cycle of avoidance, making it even harder to develop emotional resilience over time.
Apologizing, in particular, can feel emotionally risky because it requires vulnerability and acknowledgment of wrongdoing. This process can stir up feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy, which may be deeply uncomfortable for someone who already struggles with emotional regulation. The act of admitting fault can feel like opening the floodgates to emotions they fear will be too intense to manage.
In some cases, apologizing may also evoke fears of rejection or abandonment. For those with unresolved trauma or attachment wounds, acknowledging a mistake might feel like an admission of unworthiness, leading to an irrational fear that others will judge them harshly or withdraw their affection. This fear of disconnection can make apologizing feel even more threatening, reinforcing their instinct to avoid it altogether.
Furthermore, individuals who struggle to manage emotions may lack the language or tools to effectively communicate their feelings. They might not know how to articulate complex emotions or may worry that their feelings will be misunderstood. Instead of addressing the emotional discomfort directly, they may downplay the situation, shift blame, or disengage entirely to protect themselves from further emotional distress.
Developing emotional regulation skills, learning to identify and name feelings, and practicing vulnerability in safe relationships can help individuals build confidence in managing big emotions. By strengthening their emotional coping mechanisms, they may gradually feel more capable of navigating apologies and other emotionally charged situations without becoming overwhelmed.
If you have ever found yourself in a situation where someone is mad at you, whether you know why or not, you have likely felt the urge to apologize. It is a quick and simple way to mend fences, preserve relationships, build trust, take accountability and show that you are a decent person.
Obviously not all apologies are sincere, but at the same time they are a communication from one to another that they meant no harm or that they are acknowledging your feelings or experience. Try it out sometime. Say sorry for something and pay attention to how you feel before you say it and after you say it. Chances are you will feel free, lighter, and more grounded than you did before you said it. Even if it is a simple miscommunication or you don’t feel like you were wrong, saying sorry is a powerful tool to reconnect, find common ground, and make peace.
I really enjoyed reading this, as I know a couple “non-apologists,” unfortunately, and I think the reasons this article stated they respond this way are spot on!
This is a great article that I think so many people can relate with with people in their lives. Thank you for posting.