Dear Lala,
I was just catching up with an old friend recently (who happens to be a boy) that I haven’t seen in many years because we live on different sides of the world and just life stuff got in the way really. We had a blast catching up and spent a lovely day together visiting…like old friends. However, since then I am started to get concerned that there was some miscommunication. Since I saw him, he has been messaging me all the time and saying how much he misses me and cares about me. I did make it clear to him, or so I thought, that I am on a solo path to self realization and that involves being very single right now. I am overthinking this or is there a tactful way to let him know he is solidly in the “friend-zone” without jeopardizing our newly rekindled friendship?
Help,
“Friend Zone” Lisa
(Photos: SlLGhin @sustainablysingle.com)
Hi Friend Zone Lisa,
Thanks for your letter. Ah, the old heterosexual friend zone issue. This is always a tricky matter when it comes to keeping friends of the opposite sex and unfortunately, it doesn’t dwindle with age. Scientific studies have found that men have what is called the Sexual Over-perception Bias and this is a hardwired evolutionary trait. Basically, men will over-infer sexual interest based on minimal cues, like a smile, close conversation, or just basic friendliness. All this to say, I am sure many of our readers can relate to your situation. This situation has nothing to do with any lack of communication or mixed messages on your part, so don’t feel guilty. This is just nature at work! Also, understand that he is likely a decent guy who is just a product of millions of years of evolution, and he instinctively wants to keep all his mating options open.
However, we live in a modern world where we can speak our truth and live with autonomy without fear, and therefore you should be able to tactfully reiterate to your newly rekindled friend that you are not looking for a relationship. Keep in mind that you should be mindful not to buffer this important friendship-saving conversation with too many compliments.
Don’t say things like, “You are a great friend and I really love you, but I am not looking for anything serious right now” or “You are a great catch and if I wasn’t on my single journey at the moment, I might consider it”.
By being too complimentary to avoid hurting his feelings you are actually leaving the door open for more potential unwanted romantic attention due to exactly what I mentioned above, he will over-infer your romantic interest when he hears compliments! Also, you care about this person so you want to be careful with their feelings and their ego, so no harsh shutdowns are needed here.
If you value this friendship, be clear, direct, and kind. Try saying, “We are friends, and I like that; let’s keep it that way,” or “I want to stay friends, so you have to understand that I choose to be single,” or “We are great friends; that is it.” He will understand, and then you can get on with the important work of building and maintaining a long-lasting long-distance friendship.
